Why Haunted Houses and Horror Movies Are Literally the Worst Things Ever Invented
Have you ever walked into a dark room at home and felt like someone was about to jump out and kill you? Cause, same. Although horror movies and haunted houses are designed to thrill audiences with dramatic portrayals of both real life events and made-up characters, we really don’t understand why exactly you would choose to put yourself through that. We just hate horror movies. Welcome to our Ted Talk.
First of all, horror movies are horribly scripted. How many times have we seen a frightened individual walk into an empty house and yell “hello?!” We promise you the ax murderer is not going to pop out and be like “Hey, I’m in the kitchen do you want a sandwich?”
According to AMC Filmsite, “Horror Films are unsettling films designed to frighten and panic, cause dread and alarm, and to invoke our hidden worst fears, often in a terrifying, shocking finale, while captivating and entertaining us at the same time in a cathartic experience.” We don’t know about you, but a cathartic experience does not sound like a fun time.
Speaking of not having a fun time, let’s talk about haunted houses. Last year, I was forced into going into the Haunted Trail of Horrors at Rutledge Wilson Park with my family. For half an hour, I walked through the dark, quiet woods, just wondering what I was going to find next. A short man in a clown costume asked me to play with him came right before a man in a disfigured mask followed me silently for about five minutes. This misery ended with me being chased by a chainsaw-wielding man out of the trail. Long story short, I did not enjoy myself.
If you can handle being scared so bad that you have nightmares, we respect you, but please explain to us why in the world you choose to spend your Saturday night being scared by creepy strangers who probably have a criminal record when you could be drinking hot chocolate in your bed watching a good Netflix movie (that’s not scary). The end.
